when I woke up today for some reason I stared at the ceiling for quite some time, maybe because I didn't wanna get out of bed today. It's not like anything is going to happen, I mean I do the same things everyday wake up, work and then do whatever until the end of the day. Most of the time I'm bored and I know your probably thinking why not go out and do other things. I mean your not wrong I could go and do something with my life but at the same time I don't feel like it. But despite that I still mustered up the courage to go to work and I guess my job is fine, it's not the best at all but it's just fine. Well I gave up my dream of being an musician, I guess it just wasn't meant to be. My guitar has been in the closet for quite some time now, maybe I should get it out and play some time. But what if I can't anymore, what if I put all that practice to waste and now I don't know what I'm doing. Yeah I think I'll just leave it be.
oh I have to go to work now, "sigh". oh by the way if you wanna now what I do for a job, I work as a truck driver. ha ha you're probably laughing right now you're probably saying, "the failed musician is a truck driver, Ha!". Yeah that's my life it kind of sucks, you know I've tried to find some meaning in life but I don't really think there is any, I mean we all die eventually. And just the thought that one day we won't be remembered most likely is pretty scary but also it's not like it really matters since we won't be around to know that people remember us, so it's not that important any way's. "I've been driving for a while now am I here yet?". "Ah yes it's right here". I got out of the car and my boss told me there is a truck full of goods already and I need to take it to this restaurant downtown, the place is called Cheddar's Cheeseria it's just some kid's pizza place downtown nothing special. I drive goods there every week but next week their transferring me from a truck driver to a security guard so I guess that'll be something new. But to be honest the uh... what are they called?... Oh right I think animatronics'? yeah their kind of creepy though, let's see there is the main one cheddar which is some thing with a cheese head and then Chef Cheese which is a chef animatronic with a chef hat and chef coat, he also has an apron on and then a pot and whiskey. And then the last one is Foxx which is well an arctic fox that's all there is to it.
My job is to just well sit and stroll through the cheeseria and just make sure everything is going well with the place, you know make sure everything is working?. That's what I do for a living, but it pays well so why not, am I right?. I have to be there every week for the whole week cause staff is short I don't know why though. But I don't mind, I sleep all day anyways. I have ton's of time on my hands so it's really not an issue, but I guess my family was worried about me overworking or like getting burnt out but I don't think I will, well as long as I'm not tired when it comes to be time for my shift then I'll be fine. Sometimes I wonder what the place is like during the day since at night it's just quiet and well... dull, just boring. But what did I expect? It's just a local cheeseria downtown so of course it would be nothing special. Tomorrow's my first shift there, that's exciting I suppose. It's about 4pm now and my shift starts at 12 am so I can get 7 hours of sleep before then, alright I'll go to sleep.
I woke up to the beeping of my alarm clock tired and confused. I decided to just throw my slipper from off the floor at it to make it be quiet, it hit the floor and finally shut up. I decided I should put on the uniform they sent me in the mail so I got the box and opened it up. Inside was a orange uniform which said security on the back of it in big white letter's along with an orange hat that said "Cheddar's Cheeseria" on it I put on the uniform and looked in the mirror to see how the uniform looks on me. And it looks not to shabby, pretty good actually and it's comfortable so I mean that's a win. I went into my car and drove over to the cheeseria I've never actually seen the place before so it'll be exciting to see what the place looks like. Alright let's see by my directions it should be at this turn here, there we go were here now. when I pulled up to the parking lot I looked at the restaurant and the design was fine it just had a red sign that said cheddar's cheeseria on it with the main animatronic cheddar as the logo. It was also just a square building nothing special, I got out of my car and walked inside, the design of the inside of the place was also fine it had a orange and yellow checkered floor with 3 tables and chairs with the stage that had the animatronics' on them behind it. And then in the corner of the room was a ball pit and at the front was the place you get prizes from, there was also I separate room which was the arcade part of the restaurant.
I strolled around the place for a while, which felt like an eternity and nothing was really happening. The place felt really boring and dull which only added on to my boredom of this place, but I have to stay here since it's my job. I looked around and didn't see anything changing until well looking at the stage I saw in the corner of my eye the ball's in the ball pit move. I thought that since it was pretty late and dark that my eye's were playing tricks on me, until again I saw the ball pit move, I though some animal had somehow gotten in so I went to the wall on the far side of the room to grab the fire extinguisher. I slowly moved to the ball pit as it continued to rustle brought the fir extinguisher over my head and gave one big swing to whatever was in the ball pit. It was still moving after that so I gave it a few more swings and it had stopped moving. I don't know how anything had gotten in, but I decided that I should remove the probably rodent, creature thing from the ball pit. I slowly moved the balls out of the way to see it and..... I was confused what I saw at first but wait... oh no, my eyes widened what I had saw disturbed me, it was a a-... a kid. And I had bashed his head in killing him. I immediately went through my phone and saw that I had gotten a voicemail from the owner of this place a while ago but didn't see it, I pushed play "eh, hello? hello hello? can you hear me? I'll just assume you can, so your first shift is tonight and your job is to just go around the pizzeria and make sure nothing's out of place, really not that special. Oh sorry how rude of me welcome to your new job at cheddar's cheeseria as a security guard. You will be monitoring the place to make sure it's secure hehe get it? cause you're a security guard anyways that's your job. Oh and also before you go I should bring up that some kid went missing earlier today in the restaurant so if you see anything funky happening make sure you check before doing anything crazy he... anyways I'm sure it'll be fine and if you find the kid then that'll be great! So yeah make sure your eyes are peeled. Anyways that's all I really have to say sooo... bye. I brought down the phone from my ear with a shocked expression on my face. "oh god, what am I gonna do? what am I gonna do... oh no. (To be continued)
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,797 Reviews
hey there!
chikara pointed out a few grammatical errors in here, so I will focus on the overall storyline. I have to say I was not expecting that ending! It completely grabbed my attention and shocked me. I loved that you concluded this section with the voicemail because for one, it explains why a kid is hanging out at a closed cheeseria (which sounds oddly similar to Chuck-E-Cheese xD), and for another, it raises more alarm in the reader's brain. Our main guy just murdered the missing kid his boss was telling him to keep an eye out for... not good news, bud.
I enjoyed the ending particularly because the beginning felt dry. Many points made seem awkwardly strung together, as I'll point out below:
The phrases in bold stood out to me amongst the rest of this passage. They give me the impression that they were simply tossed in to provide more context and information about our guy. The "I have to go work now" part seems to be an awkward transition from one thought to the next. It confuses me a bit solely because in the first quoted paragraph he says "I still mustered up the courage to go to work". When did he leave? Some more detail about his actions would be helpful and would add some vibrancy to the story. He's in bed--okay, where is he in bed? An apartment? A house? A run-down studio with a three-legged sofa nearby? How does he feel? Drowsy? Sluggish? These little details, though they may seem insignificant, do reveal much about our character and his personality. The first paragraph and many other sentences in the remainder of the story tell us his thoughts. While thoughts are good to see from characters, it can make the story feel vaguely disconnected and even confusing to the reader if that is all we have. I suggest adding some physical details, setting, and elaboration on actions to brighten this up.
Great job on this part! I definitely felt the horror here. You may want to add a little detail here, like age and size. My question is why did he immediately go through his phone, as if looking for something? That seems like an odd thing to do; if it were me, I would have stood in shock for a while and probably started crying. I wouldn't know what to do lol!
On another note, I noticed that you frequently ask questions or attempt to interact with the reader: "if you wanna know," "you're probably laughing," "you're probably thinking..." I suggest eliminating such phrases. They seem to drag the story down and cheapen your writing.
That is all I have to say for now! I'm curious to see how this story ends so I'll certainly keep an eye out. Thanks for sharing and keep up the writing!
~rosette
Hello there and welcome to YWS!
I'll start this review with plot~ Having a main character with emotions leaning more to the somber side is really interesting. I've seen a lot of happy characters that are rays of sunshine, but a thought out character that's not that is hard to come by. I especially like that with the setting being work because it contrasts nicely with the recklessness. I also enjoy how you fleshed out that the character is a musician; it adds personality.
They're a truck driver, and they aren't proud of it. From the narration they've given, a reader can tell their emotions without having to search for that, which is interesting to me. It's not common for a more brooding character to also show feeling that early into the story (or even at all, really), so I like that. I'm not a fan of when people earn the trust of a brooding character as well, so it all works out on my end of the reading spectrum.
I also believe this is fanfic? It gives off FNAF vibes without glorifying the original source too much. I don't necessarily enjoy fanfic on its own like this especially one based on a work that I don't support due to the community being toxic and irrational, but I think because of how almost disconnected this is from that, it doesn't bother me that much.
Now, I do have a few things to point out~
Your capitalization is all over the place here. It starts out in all lowercase letterings, which is grammatically incorrect if you follow that way of thinking. Then it goes into regular capitalization, which is totally fine. It's the lack of one solid style of writing that doesn't work because frequently changing is confusing for readers.
Then, your paragraphs are too big to be considered paragraphs. The general rule is that a paragraph consists of five to seven sentences. You could possibly bend the rule somewhat by going a few lower or a few higher, but no more than that. It also depends on if your writing is educational in setting or casual, but this is probably more casual.
Another paragraph rule is that you end a paragraph when there is a change in thought or topic. Most of the paragraphs here jump around into many ideas while still having the same general subject, so I'm not really sure how paragraph splitting would work? I do suggest having a look at some papers written on the subject though, because I found them very helpful when I was planning out a small outline for this review.
I have more small notes like pacing and general atmosphere, but they mostly focus on the same idea that this feels more like a diary entry than a novel / story part. Typically characters won't say bye to the reader because they aren't directly the one writing the story, but I think that depends on the person? I don't really find myself enjoying it, though.
Anyway, I think this was a nice first part. Good job~
Cheers!